May 1, 2002, Vol.1, No.7.

Part 1

Keith Sharp

In one congregation where I preached years ago, there was a young man who had a wife and children, yet he was too lazy to look for work. He allowed his wife to support the family, while he enjoyed the life of leisure. Looking back, I think the church should have withdrawn from him if we could not get him to repent.

Yet, many fathers who work hard and provide all the material necessities and even many luxuries for their children are cheating them in ways even worse. What are the responsibilities fathers have toward their children?

The apostle Paul by inspiration of the Holy Spirit and with the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ commanded, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." (Ephesians 6:4) This passage summarizes the spiritual obligations we fathers have to our children.

First, please note carefully that the apostolic command is addressed to "fathers." The primary obligation for the spiritual training of children is given to the father as the head of his home. As in all areas of home life, wives are to be helpers to their husbands in raising their children to serve the Lord (Genesis 2:18). But dads, you can’t ignore your children, leave their discipline to your wife, and fulfill your obligation as a father.

Negatively, we must not "provoke" them "to wrath." The whole phrase translated "provoke ... to wrath" means "to cause to be provoked, to make angry." (Louw & Nida. 88.177) The NIV translates this "do not exasperate your children."

Fathers often seem to have a talent for exasperating their children or unjustifiably making them angry. Cruel teasing is a common fault among men (and some women). When Isaac was weaned, his elder half-brother Ishmael was "scoffing" at ("mocking," NASV) him (Genesis 21:9). Referring to this incident, Paul observes that Ishmael "persecuted" Isaac (Galatians 4:29). Cruel mocking is a form of persecution. When daddies "pick at" their children in such a way as to anger or exasperate them, they are guilty of persecuting their own children. They are being bullies, and they are teaching their children to be bullies toward those who are smaller and weaker than they.

Another way dads may "provoke" their "children to wrath" is by cutting or discouraging speech. Men, how would you like it, if, when you preached a practice sermon in the men’s class, I called you "stupid" and said, "You’ll never make a preacher." You would be justifiably hurt, angry, and discouraged. If your children fail to meet legitimate expectations, don’t lie to them by praising what they did. But don’t verbally attack them either. If they didn’t seem to put out enough effort, tell them so. Show them what they did wrong and how to improve or correct. If they’re trying but just haven’t mastered your proper demands, praise their effort and encourage their improvement. But don’t verbally attack them personally. Learn to use speech that encourages them to do better rather than words that discourage and exasperate them.

Fathers can exasperate their children by being unfair or overly demanding. When Brent was about three years old and Bryan and Michelle were one, I took Brent with me to a preaching engagement, while Sandy, Michelle, and Bryan stayed home. Brent was well behaved in the worship assembly at home, and I foolishly expected he could sit by himself, far from home and his mother, and listen to me preach. When he started crying after I had left him to get up and preach, I discovered what I should have known all along. I was expecting him to be far more mature than a three year old is capable of being. "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." (Colossians 3:21) When daddies set expectations for children unreasonably high, children become discouraged and quit trying.

Don’t take this as an excuse to go to the opposite extreme. Children at a very young age are able to understand and obey commands. My dog understands "No," and your six month old is smarter than my dog. A Border Collie can learn a wide range of simple commands, and a two year old, being much smarter than the Collie, can learn simple Bible truths and acceptable behavior. You don’t have to have a "terrible two "year old. When a child is capable of behaving in the way he will eventually need to, we should expect him to do so, even if he doesn’t fully understand why. Eli taught the child Samuel the greatest principle of obedience, "Speak, Lord, for Your servant hears" (1 Samuel 3:1-10), even though Samuel did not understand what was happening. If you continue to treat children as if they’re still babies, they’ll continue to behave like babies. It’s cute at six months, but it’s deplorable at six years.

Perhaps the worst way a father can provoke his children to wrath is by showing favoritism to one over others. "Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age. Also he made him a tunic of many colors." (Genesis 37:3) Joseph’s brothers resented this favoritism so much "they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him." (verse 4) All but Reuben were even willing to kill him, and they did eventually sell him as a slave to the Midianites (verses 18-28). They used the coat, the emblem of Joseph’s special status, as the means to deceive their father into thinking Joseph had been killed by a wild beast (verses 31-33). Jacob paid for his favoritism with eighteen years of bitter sorrow over the supposed death of his beloved son (verses 34-35). A father of three children once told me, "You can’t help loving some children more than others." I deny it. Yes, children have different personalities and abilities and thus to some extent must be treated differently. But we must love them all equally. To do otherwise is to create discord in the family and to lay the groundwork for bitter sorrow.